Becoming a Caregiver, The Retirement Game Changer That Can Happen To Anyone

Early Retirement Lifestyle, Non-financial Aspects of retirement, Retirement Plan, ,

Surprise! I never saw it coming. It was something that escaped all of my early retirement planning and it touches everything from finances to lifestyle. It can consume dreams if you let it. Taking on the role of caregiver is a retirement game changer. It is seldom planned for but chances are good that the caregiver role will touch many people.

In my case it was rather sudden. But even if we can see a loved one’s health declining, it is usually a slow-moving but unstoppable train and we fail to grasp ahead of time the challenges to come. For me it was doubly heartbreaking as illness struck my bride right in midst of our early retirement.

My wife and I worked hard to save enough money to retire early and stay as healthy as we could. We made all the lifestyle and financial plans that everyone does to finally live free from the obligations of the rat race. We had looked at and carefully planned for our early retirement of energetic youthful bliss. Even making considerations within our plans for long-term care in our old age. It was all about living life on our terms for what was left of it. Well, life is messy, and the terms were changed. It can happen to anyone.

Caregiver- The Retirement Game Changer

Our planned retirement life together was thrown into the air. People tend to only focus on the awesome parts of retirement, not plan for this. We didn’t plan for it, at least not for this at our young age. This meant learning on the fly in real-time. Saying it is a challenge can be an understatement. Here is what I’ve learned through this experience so that you can at least think about the possibility and plan accordingly

Shifting Finances

I was already retired and didn’t have a job that I was relying on. Having to give up a job to become a caretaker not only interferes with earning income, but also interrupts adding to retirement accounts. Saving for retirement is tough enough for most people. Working folks who become caretakers have huge financial hurdles to overcome and many end up using their retirement savings earlier than they planned.

For already retired folks the budget gets blown apart. Medical costs can climb much higher than other budgetary items that may decrease like travel and entertainment. We hit our health insurance out-of-pocket maximum before mid-year. Not only did we spend much more for medical but when treatments and medications were ineffective or failed, we also paid for natural remedies in an attempt to increase my wife’s quality of life. You are willing to try anything that looks promising when illness hits hard.

Takeaway: It is important to have some flexibility in your budget. Have at least enough extra funds easily available to pay up to the health insurance plan’s out of pocket maximum amount each year.

Emotional Challenges

Taking on the duties of being a caretaker comes with a lot of emotional tugs. Not only do you have to recognize and help your loved one through their physical and emotional challenges, but you must deal with your own thoughts about what could have been had this not happened. It is all too easy for frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment, and depression to creep in for both parties.

Be prepared for an emotional roller-coaster for all involved. We communicated what we were feeling and both deployed super patience with each other. With open dialog it is easy to understand that it is a difficult situation but one that we are lovingly willing to fight for the best outcome. We both were disappointed about all of our unrealized early retirement plans and an unknown future, but we kept a positive attitude by agreeing that everything was postponed, not cancelled.

Takeaway: Everyone feels frustration in this dynamic. Over communicate instead of hiding feelings. Keeping a positive attitude has healing powers for both the cared for and the caretaker.

Self Imposed Isolation

We are private people and that can be a detriment. It has never been easy for me to ask for help for anything. To all around us it was obvious something was going on. I was always seen alone and my wife seldom left the house for other than medical appointments. People with good intentions would ask how things were going. I would hold back and just say that things were going good and that she had some health challenges but was doing well. I wouldn’t complain or talk about how things really were going or express our fears and concerns. Even when our daughters called we would downplay how things were. When they visited we both tried to hide the seriousness of the situation.

I just couldn’t ask for anyone’s help. We both felt that everyone has busy lives and we don’t want to burden them with our problems. Many months went by before I started to leak the situation. Once I did that I then found I wasn’t alone. So many people had experienced similar life hurdles and had helpful advice. There were sincere offers for help. Even the littlest of things were a huge help. We loved when our daughters would prepare meals to give us a break from my grilling everything and my poorly skilled cooking.  

Takeaway: Share what is going on with the people in your life. Self isolation is unnecessary. It’s alright to accept help, especially when in a possible long-term caregiver situation. Then appreciate and be thankful for any help and to anyone who can make the time to lend a hand.  

Wasteful Worry

It’s easy to get caught up in worry when you don’t KNOW the outcome. Will this get better or will it become worse? What if medical treatments continue to fail? What if something happens to me, what will we do then?

It can cause sleep disorders, which is exactly what I experienced. My sleeplessness left me physically run down. Not only was I dealing with the mental side of being a caregiver I now was adding another negative physical dynamic.

Instead of worry, let the doctors work through what they do and take care of yourself. As a caregiver, aside from our worrying being a waste of time, it can cause us to neglect our own health. The caregiver role is demanding and we need to stay up to the task by doing things to stay healthy while also allowing joy in our life. I found I was concentrating solely on my wife’s health, needs, and everything related to her medical treatment. I needed to set aside time so I could introduce healthy actions for myself too.

Takeaway: Exercise, go for a walk if you can get away for a short time, get outside in the sunshine, and eat right. Allow your mind daily mental escape and relaxation to recharge. All the healthy things we know we should do goes a lot farther towards our health and means much more when we are in a stressful and challenging caregiver situation. Strive to find some balance.

Becoming a Caregiver, The Retirement Game Changer That Can Happen To AnyoneAnd Now?

My retirement caregiver experience lasted about a year. Although my bride will live with her illness the rest of her life, thankfully the doctors found the right treatments and medications for her to return to a fully functional and active life. That breakthrough was almost a year ago. We know we are very fortunate and that many people have to deal with much more than we did. Living through this really opened our eyes. We appreciate and cherish our health more than ever.

What happened came out of nowhere and totally sidelined our retirement for a year. Fortunately it didn’t come at a time in our lives when we were depending on our employment for income to live. Our retirement budget did take a hit but nothing catastrophic because we did have decent medical coverage once out-of-pocket limits where breached. We plan to happily take advantage of this second chance and live our retirement to the fullest. The future is always unknown so we don’t want to waste any of our young and healthier time of life that we have left.

Why I Shared Our Story

I know our story is unique, there are many different caregiver scenarios. Even within our story, my wife’s experience from the cared-for side in her early retirement will be different from mine. The caregiver role can come with many different requirements like making your home wheelchair accessible or even having to move. It could be a retired couple caring for a parent and having to curtail their planned retirement life. The reason I shared our story is that I believe this kind of retirement impacting situation can happen to anyone and some of the issues we worked through will be common.

At Least Think About The Possibility

As we look at our retirement plans we should consider thinking about the impacts of a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or grandchild needing us to step-up as their caregiver. Even when we aren’t an in-home caregiver but taking on some care activities for an independent but failing loved one may mean being anchored close by and disrupt our retirement lifestyle and travel plans. This retirement game changer is becoming far more common than you think. It is an uncomfortable reality.

We should all understand that our plans for our retirement can turn out a lot different. We should prepare ourselves both financially and mentally for the possibility of becoming a loved one’s caregiver and if the unfortunate should occur, go into it happily and courageously as just another detour in our life’s journey. As far as I am concerned, we have one life to live the best way we can so don’t allow a bump in our retirement plans derail us.

Update 10/4/18: For anyone who has interest into looking at long-term or short-term care insurance I have found an informative article at ALTCP that compares short-term vs. long-term care policies.

Do you have frustrations or concerns about and/or have tips to counter the disruption of your retirement plans because of being a caregiver in some capacity?

29 thoughts on “Becoming a Caregiver, The Retirement Game Changer That Can Happen To Anyone”

  2. Thanks for sharing and putting it all down so succinctly. Even though I am going thru this as a part-time caregiver for my mom and mother-in-law there are things I had not considered in case something happens to myself or my wife. A friend of mine was injured in a fall and it was a thing where he might have become disabled. Another friend had plans to move to a rural area and have a small Farm. He ended up becoming guardian of his grandchild and could not move her away from other family, friends and school. It is very important to not get yourself in a financial bind if something unforeseen happens.

    1. Thanks for the comment Ralph. Your taking care of your mothers is a perfect example of how people are stepping into the role of caregiver without ever thinking about it when planning their retirements. Accidents and illness can happen to anyone. There certainly is the financial part to cover but also mentally finding a place where the caregiver role doesn’t derail all retirement dreams or cause us unnecessary emotional turmoil.
      Tommy

  3. Although since you retired early it wouldn’t apply to you it is a compelling example of why long term care insurance can be valuable to people above the age of 60. Caring for a loved one is draining in itself even if it has zero economic impact but when you can outsource much of the daily tasks and have insurance pay for the high cost it is much more livable. My wife and I cared for my dad the last couple of years of his life but he had adequate resources to prevent any costs for us and to provide for assisted living. My wife and I purchased long term care coverage ourselves after that experience.

    It is wonderful that your wife has managed such a great comeback! And wonderful that you devoted yourself selflessly to her care. Thank you for such a vulnerable and helpful post to get all of us to think about an important life situation in advance.

    1. Thanks for the comment Steveark. You make a great point about long-term care insurance and how it could answer a lot of what ifs. I waited a while to share our experience because I wanted to make sure that it would have a good ending. We feel very fortunate that it turned out as well as it has. Especially considering how things were during the worst period of that year.
      Tommy

  4. Assuming the role of caregiver is really a retirement game changer. Thanks for sharing this inspiring story, which can help other caregivers prepare for this emotionally and financially. It’s good to know that you and your wife were able to get through this trying time without incurring a hit on your retirement budget. It really pays to be ready by having a reliable medical coverage or long term care insurance in place.

    It is really important to plan since AARP’s data shows that family caregivers provide around $470 billion in unpaid care. Around 20% of family caregivers are spending nearly 20% of their income on average on caregiving activities. These numbers are alarming and should serve as an eye-opener for people who want to avert emotional stress. They should explore their options to curb the cost of family caregiving, manage caregiver stress, build up self-esteem and take advantage of tax breaks to make caregiving more affordable.

    1. Thanks for the comment. We were fortunate that our financial hit was limited to the medical insurance deductibles and the out-of-pocket maximum. Leisure travel and entertainment was very limited so those yearly budgetary allocations went towards medical to partially pay for our higher medical costs. However, the biggest reason for our limited financial hit was it only lasted a year. This could have went way worse. That is the gamble when deciding on the insurance coverage we purchase. As for emotional stress, it definitely occurs and takes awareness and action to mitigate and overcome. As you mention, that includes opening up, exploring options, and then reaching out to all resources available.
      Tommy

    1. Thanks for the comment. I agree that insurance has it’s importance and our health insurance saved our keisters. Especially paying a higher insurance premium for a lower deductible/max out of pocket cost plan. Some policies have such high deductible thresholds that they are almost impossible for a budget to absorb through adjustments. Had we paid for that kind of health insurance policy I would have had a different story to tell.
      Tommy

  6. I am taking care of my dad. He’s in assisted living, in his mid-80s, and going downhill. I have a full time job, but for six months am working 3/4 time so that I don’t kill myself off in the process. Caretaking is hard work, emotional work, and unpredictable. And it is expensive for the caretaker – lost wages, travel, conveniences (eating out), reduced retirement savings (including social security). I also know that my frugality and good financial habits mean I’m ok with this financial hit. I’m grateful for that because it’s one less stressor. And then there’s the cost to the person needing the care – medical costs, long-term care costs. Fortunately my dad has good medical coverage, a pension, some savings, and his long-term care insurance is paying (yay!!).

    Bottom line – thank you for brining up this often overlooked topic in the FIRE world.

    1. Thanks for the comment Penny. It is a subject we just don’t plan well for in FIRE. Everyone loves focusing on the positive but we have to recognize that sometimes life takes a wrong turn. I hope your caretaker experience with your dad goes as smoothly as possible. It sounds like you have taken some steps and found a way to make it work without it destroying everything you are trying to accomplish. We only get one chance to do what we know is right in our hearts and live this life we have.
      Tommy

  7. “The reason I shared our story is that I believe this kind of retirement impacting situation can happen to anyone and some of the issues we worked through will be common.”
    I think your story is such an inspiration for people out there who have current situation as you had. Very empowering. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    1. Thanks for the comment Courtney. I am glad you enjoyed it. I do think that this is something we overlook ever happening until it does happen. Knowledge and awareness is the first step in making the best of this common situation.
      Tommy

  8. This is really an important read and Thank you for sharing such an inspiring story. It is true that people may go through this and sharing this will definitely motivate them. Anyways, loving this post. Cheers!

    1. Thanks for the comment Krystal. I am glad you enjoyed the post. Becoming a caregiver or even requiring care is something everyone should be aware of and at least contemplate within their plans.
      Tommy

  9. Everyone loves focusing on the positive but we have to recognize that sometimes life takes a wrong turn. I hope your caretaker experience with your spouse goes as smoothly as possible. download bee talk

    1. Thanks Thomas. You’re correct that we all tend to focus only on the positives. The hard and negative stuff can and will creep into everyone’s lives so we should give it thought and make at least some preparations to handle it.
      Tommy

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  11. Great post. You know, I am dealing with my father. He’s in helped living, in his mid-80s, and going downhill. I have an all day work. Caretaking is diligent work, passionate work, and capricious. Furthermore, it is costly for the overseer. Though all are my opinion by the way.

    1. Thanks for the comment Peter. Sorry to hear about your and your father’s challenges. Caretaking is something that requires constant affirmation as to it’s importance and having a support system to stay positive throughout a bad situation for all concerned.
      Tommy

  13. I think taking care of your elderly parent is one of the best things to do. I really appreciate those people who do take care of their parents.

  15. Essentials necessary to the dignity and physical and emotional well-being of our elderly parents is to ensure their daily living requirements are met effectively. 

    1. Thanks for the comment Joyce. You’re absolutely right. We have come to learn the importance of even during the little things that add to our well being since experiencing the pandemic.
      Tommy

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