I recently posted that people who value more time instead of money are the happiest. Our hard-won Early Retiree Free Time brings us great happiness. But it can also bring conflict. It is a double-edged sword. Time is a valuable commodity in today’s busy world. Where family and friends wouldn’t think to ask early retirees for money. Early Retiree’s free time is another story.

It takes a certain kind of wealth to retire early. Our net worth isn’t usually advertised or shared. Friends and relatives may make assumptions but seldom hit early retirees up for money or even consider it. But wanting use of our free time seems totally up for grabs.

Assumptions about retirees always having free time to give can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It is up to the early retiree to manage their free time. Early retirees must manage both the requests for favors and our own emotions. Life is short. Relatives and friends are our greatest treasure. But nobody on either side of these relationships wants to feel used or let down.

Early Retiree Free Time Can Cut Both Ways

Having won free time in our early retirement to follow our passions and interests can cut both ways. It is the reason for celebration and happiness. But it can also bring requests for help and obligations beyond what we bargained for. Even though I put a high value on being there for those I care about. I have experienced the strain of having to be there for more than my schedule had room for. I did retire to something and believe me it keeps me pretty busy.

That said, I know firsthand the pitfalls of my hard-won free time. How it can weigh on my emotions and relationships. This happens when everyone’s expectations are out of whack. It is hard to say no to someone you care about. However it is better to be honest and upfront about things.

When we retire we want to make family and friends a high priority in our new life. That includes being there for them by sharing our free time. To both enjoy spending more time together and help when and where we can.

There is something worse than saying NO or the recipient hearing the word NO when there are time conflicts. That is our doing something we really didn’t want to do or couldn’t do at that time. Then complaining about it. Our words and attitude will come out into the open one way or another. It hurts both us and our loved ones. It comes down to this. Either happily do it or just say no.

The Upfront Approach – Verbal Contract

This might be hard for some to do. Especially before any favors or requests for time have been made. But if you have a reasonable concern of what might come once your retirement is known. Then laying out ground rules to friends and family may be the best strategy.

My mother had no problem doing this. She is from the old country. From a place where being abrupt and direct is normal. She announced to the family about her pending retirement and said, “Don’t expect me to babysit everyday”.  Nobody had mentioned a word about her doing that. But it did set the ground rules early. Way before anyone made some false assumptions about how mom would be spending her new free time.

Setting a verbal contract with friends and family can help ease any future conflict.

For example, by simply stating that except in cases or emergency all babysitting must be approved in advance.

Requesting that our loved ones get advanced approval is important with many time requests. The same would go for driving folks around. I have an early retired friend whose parent and in-law sets appointments. They do so without finding out first if he and his wife have already made travel or other plans. Many times he has changed his plans to keep the peace and not upset anyone. He happily obliges but is cause for annoyance to him and his wife.

Advanced approval is necessary for many time requests. Dog or house sitting, moving, painting, etc. Many people have an assumption the early retired have nothing ever planned. They always have time to help when needed.

Being upfront helps saying “NO”. It could eliminate false assumptions. When a time conflict does arise the retiree-free-time verbal contract is something that could be pointed back to.

Set Your Limits

There are things that I have to say no to when asked. There have been many times I have had to say no to friends and family because I just can’t help them. One limitation is associated with pain. I know what my bad back can handle.

Many times all people see is a healthy and handy 6’3” man who should be of great help. But I have to draw the line. Even though I may risk injury and pain to do these things for myself. I can’t move their furniture, load trucks, ladder work, paint, shovel or blow snow, plumbing work, etc. for them. Saying “NO” is necessary. Sometimes I do say “YES” and pay dearly for it. I let my wanting to help override the limits I have set for myself. I am then quickly reminded why I have set those limits.

Assess what you will be happy to do and what you definitely wouldn’t or shouldn’t want to do. That includes allowances where you are happy to reschedule your plans around for them. That way when one of these kinds of requests comes up there is no hymn-hawing about it. It is then easy to stick to your guns and kindly say no at the time of the request.

Dealing with Spousal bias

Dealing with spousal family bias has come up with us and a friend of mine. I am sure it is quite common. This is when we spend a great deal of time lending our time to family. There are time conflicts and changed plans that occur. There are then complaints that too much time plan changes are allowed to one’s family members. Yet no complaints about the same time and equal allowances given to the spouse’s family when similar time conflicts arise.

Blood is thicker than water. Bias is natural in most cases. Aside from having good communication skills and relationships with our spouse. Calmly talking about the situation and setting a plan is better than going over the scoreboard to prove our point.

• Never favor your family over your spouse’s family for your time or making time conflict allowances.
• Never volunteer your spouse for time and services without first asking them if it’s OK.
• Set the same limits and guidelines for all requests for your time.
• Treat each other as partners in managing your early retiree free time and back each other up.

Know thy self – Overcoming guilt.

There are always those special family members and friends who know how to perpetrate the best guilt trips. Dropping one of those bad boys on people is an art form. It is however a gift you can refuse. Guilt trips are in our own head and we don’t have to be ruled by them.

I still occasionally fall for this insidious emotion. Somehow my inability to accommodate someone’s wants and needs means their hardship lands solely as my responsibility.

We always want to help but sometimes time conflicts happen. Hearing that –

• They already spent the money on non-refundable tickets.
• We haven’t the money to pay someone else.
• It has to be done now and there is no time to find someone else.
• We can’t reschedule on our end without losing XYZ, etc.

None of that is our fault or reason to feel guilty over our not being able to accommodate. Explain that obviously if you could and didn’t have the time conflict you would. Reaffirm that if only THEY had pre-approved the time-frame for the time needed. They should get the picture that if they had then this time conflict wouldn’t have happened.

Of course if I can change my schedule for an emergency I would. But not everything is a true emergency.

Time Conflicts from Outside of Family and Friends

Early Retiree Free Time can be considered up for grabs from even outside our friends and family. It can happen when working a Part-Time gig. Where coworkers and management may make assumptions. Whether being asked last-minute by a coworker to cover their shift or the boss filling holes in the schedule.

Many retirees spend some of their allocated free time doing volunteer work for their community or church. Those in charge may make assumptions and believe the early retiree can handle more assignments.

I am sure there are many more examples of clubs and organizations that are part of what we retired to. Any could make a request of more time than our early retirement lifestyle schedule has room for.

The Bottom Line

Early Retiree Free Time is the prize that keeps on giving. It gives our own happiness and the ability to spend it with friends and family. Even helping them and their lives be easier and better.

That free time cuts both ways. Time conflicts do arise and we hate letting people that we care about down. But by setting some personal limits and having up front verbal contracts we can ease bad assumptions.

Misunderstandings about our retiree free time can add pain to a relationship. Don’t simply agree to do everything and then live your life complaining about it all. That only leads to animosity and distance between us and the people we care about. That is not what we retired to.

One last comment – Of course when I say “No” in this post I don’t mean we flip the word “No” out there all alone like that. We can always be polite even while getting our point across.

Do you see Early Retiree Free Time being an issue for you to handle?

Have you considered laying out ground rules in a verbal contract? If so, what was your ground rules?